Thoughts. Musings. Electrical Synapses.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Self Harm and everything in between.

Thought of the day:

Forcing myself to do things, even the ones I know I must, feels like jumping in front of a bullet train.

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Overthinking

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@ the bottom

It is easier to confess sins, than to confess feelings.

Draining The Lake

I had therapy today, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much before. A knife was being twisted inside me and the pain was unbearable.

I didn’t want to accept things I knew were true. What didn’t let me do it was fear, a paralyzing fear that I now feel has been shattered.

Tears can remove self imposed veils and I’ve cried enough already, it’s time to drain the lake.

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What does death smell like?

I haven’t written in a while, it’s like all the life has been sucked out of me. I’m hollow, numb and wishing I could sleep forever.

Stunted

When I was diagnosed years ago I was a classic textbook borderline case. Self harm, drug and alcohol abuse, unprotected sex with multiple partners, lack of boundaries, excessive spending, eating too much or not at all, being easily triggered, rage, fear or being abandoned and I handled rejection quite poorly. My therapist at that time asked me to describe myself and I couldn’t. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or where I was going, all I knew was that I needed to escape.

Always running, always avoiding, always second guessing, always afraid of making choices because I was never allowed to. My parents did one hell of a job in stunting me socially and emotionally, I’ve been fighting it since I realized it, and it sometimes feels like an uphill battle. Any sign of independence on my part was ripped by the roots all the time, everything required their approval, so I hated myself and was hell bent on destroying that person they wanted me to be that I didn’t know.

I’m learning how to walk, how to talk, how to choose wisely so I’m able to live, not survive.

“The wounded ch…

“The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others. When men and women punish each other for truth telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear the other’s truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.”

- Bell Hooks, All About Love: New Visions

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