Thoughts. Musings. Electrical Synapses.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Self Harm and everything in between.

Sometimes you need to breathe so badly you end up doing so even where the air is polluted.

The Masks Have Cracked

I’ve spent my life pretending I’m ok, and I’ve created this other person everyone sees but doesn’t exist. I’m afraid others will see me as a fraud, as a sick, sad, screwed up being who ain’t worth the  time of day.

That other persons cracks have shown, and I’m drowning in shame.


Falling Short

I can see him laughing at me, and feel too stupid and hurt to defend myself. I haven’t been able to date, to be intimate obviously, to open up, to feel safe, insecurities always creep up about everything, mostly about my appearance. What I know and what I feel are two different things. I always do my best to be rational, but in this, I’ve failed.

I remember him saying how I’d never really gone to the gym because I looked pregnant, how he’d tell me to stay put while he went to do some things (yet I had no intention of following him), how he squeezed my neck as I slept so I wouldn’t snore, when he told a stranger I was on meds and he wanted me to stop so through diet and exercise I’d be in shape. I always fell short, and a year later, I still can’t shut out his voice.


Where does this constant desire to run or be somewhere else come from?


I can’t tell if this is peace or indifference. Things rarely move me anymore.

BPD Problem:

When you feel like dying, then you get attention from someone you like and suddenly life is awesome. Stupid BPD.

I’ve become a recluse in my home. I can’t leave unless someone accompanies me.


I can’t bring myself to communicate, even with people who need me. I feel like a shitty person, but I just can’t do it, don’t know why.

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