I can see him laughing at me, and feel too stupid and hurt to defend myself. I haven’t been able to date, to be intimate obviously, to open up, to feel safe, insecurities always creep up about everything, mostly about my appearance. What I know and what I feel are two different things. I always do my best to be rational, but in this, I’ve failed.
I remember him saying how I’d never really gone to the gym because I looked pregnant, how he’d tell me to stay put while he went to do some things (yet I had no intention of following him), how he squeezed my neck as I slept so I wouldn’t snore, when he told a stranger I was on meds and he wanted me to stop so through diet and exercise I’d be in shape. I always fell short, and a year later, I still can’t shut out his voice.
Where does this constant desire to run or be somewhere else come from?
When you feel like dying, then you get attention from someone you like and suddenly life is awesome. Stupid BPD.
I’ve become a recluse in my home. I can’t leave unless someone accompanies me.
I can’t bring myself to communicate, even with people who need me. I feel like a shitty person, but I just can’t do it, don’t know why.