Thoughts. Musings. Electrical Synapses.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Self Harm and everything in between.

-_-

I wish I could hide, I can’t deal with people today.

Self-sabotage

Lately I’ve been trying to not self sabotage. I wonder where that impulse comes from, I don’t want to fuck things up.

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Trying to reconnect after forgiving and being rejected feels like getting stabbed in the heart twice.

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Lack of Object Constancy

I’ve never been interested in reading the book from where this comes from: “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. The title has always repelled me because I find it creates more stigma for those of us with BPD, as if we were ticking time bombs.

Putting all that aside, I can relate to this excerpt from it. I usually keep and carry around pictures or other objects. Sometimes people and events don’t feel real if I don’t have “evidence” with me. The irony of this disease: you feel too much or nothing at all, you need to keep in check your emotions or provoke them.

image

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Heavy

Wounds ooze beneath the rusted shackles on my ankles. The chains are weak, but so am I. I stare blankly at my feet as wolves surround me, and my mind’s so heavy it can’t fly.

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Disorganized

I don’t write like I used to and I’m dying to. I don’t have much time anymore to sit down and channel my thoughts as it should be, so you might see soon some posts that are not in chronological order or retrospective. I don’t want this blog to become tumblr and keep posting pictures.

😠

I come to see my psychiatrist and I spend more time waiting to make a new appointment than in his office.

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