by Lunna Raven
I can see him laughing at me, and feel too stupid and hurt to defend myself. I haven’t been able to date, to be intimate obviously, to open up, to feel safe, insecurities always creep up about everything, mostly about my appearance. What I know and what I feel are two different things. I always do my best to be rational, but in this, I’ve failed.
I remember him saying how I’d never really gone to the gym because I looked pregnant, how he’d tell me to stay put while he went to do some things (yet I had no intention of following him), how he squeezed my neck as I slept so I wouldn’t snore, when he told a stranger I was on meds and he wanted me to stop so through diet and exercise I’d be in shape. I always fell short, and a year later, I still can’t shut out his voice.